Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Top Turkeys of 2010

   Used as an idiom the term “turkey” refers to one who is a loser, a failure, a dud. So as the year 2010 drifts into history’s past, we will take a moment to reflect on some of the bigger flops of the previous year, highlighting their misadventures in the world of MMA.

- Gold Medal: Chael “The Criminal Turkey” Sonnen -

   For Chael Sonnen 2010 started off so well, he had just capped a three fight win streak with a dominating victory over Nate Marquardt, earning him a shot at Anderson Silva’s middle weight belt. Although the turkey in Sonnen just couldn’t allow him to use this momentum for positive purposes, and instead he would quickly begin to establish himself the premier villain of MMA. In an interview with Pro MMA Radio during the build up to his championship bout with Anderson Silva the super-callous Sonnen, unbounded from even the most basic forms of human empathy, would actually mock and deride world renowned cyclist and cancer survivor Lance Armstrong as a drug fiend and cancer fraud, saying, “Lance Armstrong cheated, he did drugs, he gave himself cancer… he made himself the victim and then went out and profited like fifteen point some million dollars from this ‘hey poor me’ campaign.”

  With this Sonnen revealed himself as a despicable human being, but he wasn’t through trashing his own reputation as he would just days later on Jim Rome’s radio show out himself as a bold faced liar when he denied having ever said anything about Lance Armstrong, sticking to his phony story even after Jim Rome confronted him with the audio of his exact words.

 "Lance Armstrong cheated, he did drugs, he gave himself cancer..."

                                        -Chael Sonnen

Chael Sonnen claimed he would retire Silva, he did not.
   Come fight time Chael Sonnen had already been exposed as a person lacking any semblance of a conscience, but now it was time for him to prove to the world that his turkey tactics were just as prevalent in the cage. Labeling Silva a “dirt bag” and promising to “retire” him, Sonnen’s harsh pre-fight trash talk would blow up in his face as during the final round Sonnen would tap to a submission for the eighth time in his career, reinforcing his inability to grasp even basic submission defense. A turkey in his personal life, a turkey in his professional career, the embarrassment continued to mount when following his spectacular failure in the fight Chael Sonnen tested positive for elevated levels of testosterone, serving as yet more proof to who the real “dirt bag” is.

   By this time any man with even an ounce of dignity would surely shut his mouth and retreat from the public eye, right? Not this turkey, not by a long shot.

   Through multiple public embarrassments Sonnen’s loud mouth would only increase as he cemented himself an elite Zuffa shill by openly ridiculing some the sport’s premier fighters in Fedor Emelianenko and Alistair Overeem while also professing his unflinching love and fanatical loyalty for his boss, Dana White. Sonnen has shown himself to be quite the brave talker, although when confronted by Wanderlei Silva, the lion quickly turned lamb as he was cowed into submission, not by joint locks this time, but through sheer verbal battery.

   He thus far been proven a low life, a loud mouth, a liar, and a cheater, so how could this ultimate turkey get worse, you ask? Well, how about a nice dose of white collar criminality.

   The cherry atop this shame sundae came just days into 2011, but nevertheless must be included on this 2010 list due to the immense magnitude of its repercussions, when Chael Sonnen pleaded guilty to money laundering and defrauding thousands of dollars from real estate ventures. He is expected to face multiple years of probation with his UFC career in jeopardy. In addition to being a lying mouthy choke artist who can’t back his trash talk, Sonnen is an admitted white collar criminal fraudster. Chael Sonnen would do best to quiet his loud mouth and permanently withdraw from the public eye. His reputation as the ultimate turkey of MMA is irrefutable, and there is no coming back from such complete and total failures, not only as an MMA fighter, but as a human being.

- Silver Medal: Brock “The Paper Tiger Turkey” Lesnar -

   2010 can be described for WWE wrestler turned MMA wannabe Brock Lesnar as nothing but a shattered illusion. The year started with smoke and mirrors swindling many into believing the hype of Brock as the prime example of a new breed of heavyweight monster, but it ended with Lesnar left battered and without his championship belt, questioning whether or not he would continue in MMA.

   In his first fight of 2010 against Shane Carwin this supposed monster of heavyweight MMA was spanked and slapped throughout the entire five minutes of the first round, nearly being stopped with punches on multiple occasions. Though its true that being beaten does not reveal a lack of heart, it is also true that taking punishment in such a pitiful manner does not become a champion. It wasn’t until the one dimensional brawler Shane Carwin expended his three ounce gas tank that Lesnar was able to secure a poorly applied arm triangle choke which forced Carwin to tap. After the fight the myth of Lesnar was broken beyond repair in the eye’s of all but the most ardent fan boys and media shills. A phony fighter with a glaring inability to absorb punishment had been proven beyond any unbiased doubt. This would be the beginning of Lesnar’s free fall from grace, as his next challenger would fully capatalize on the many weaknesses revealed in the Carwin fight.

   Relatively unproven prospect Cain Velasquez made short work of Lesnar and finished him inside of the first round with absolute ease. During the short fight Lesnar showed the composure of a scared chicken as he flailed, twisted, and turned in a failed effort to avoid taking more punishment, ultimately ending the fight by frantically yelling “NO, NO, NO, NO” in verbal submission to strikes before the referee called the fight, hardly the reactions of even an average fighter, let alone a champion. This wild and desperate plea for his beating to relent stands in stark contrast to Lesnar’s self proclaimed status as the “toughest S.O.B. around” following the Carwin fight.

   Dave Meltzer reported that after being flogged by Velasquez Brock Lesnar was questioning his future in MMA. This entirely unproven neophyte once undeservedly touted, and in some cases still so by shameless media whores, as one of the world’s finest was nearly run out of the sport following a beating, showing a complete lack of fighting spirit, a complete lack of pride. Velasquez left Lesnar with a scar under his left eye which will serve as a permanent reminder that full contact combative sports is no place for a man with the fight and fortitude of a neutered puppy, or, in this case, a scared turkey.

- Bronze Medal: Shinya “The Weeping Turkey” Aoki -

   2010 was to be the year Shinya Aoki established himself as the undisputed #1 lightweight in the world of MMA. His first fight of the year saw him fighting on American soil for the first time as he challenged Gilbert Melendez for the Strikeforce lightweight championship belt, a fight which would determine the world‘s best lightweight. What resulted was five rounds of Melendez domination, as Aoki offered absolutely no signs that he belonged in the same cage as Melendez. After the fight Aoki would return to Japan a defeated man, left beaten and sobbing tears from his swollen eyes, a far cry from his over the top antics and disrespectful behavior following his submission of Mizuto Hirota just a few months prior, a fight in which he flipped Hirota off after breaking his arm and subsequently claiming he was “fine with breaking it.”

   In the following months Aoki would somewhat redeem himself by stringing together three victories in a row, however, it was during the final day of the year 2010 when Aoki would undoubtedly earn himself the title as one of 2010’s top turkeys.

   On Dynamite!! 2010 Shinya Aoki was tasked with fighting Yuichiro "Jienotsu" Nagashima, a cross dressing K1 kick boxer, in a special rules bout which would see alternating rounds of K1 and MMA rules. During the first round of the fight, which was under K1 rules, Aoki, a man who has actually openly expressed disdain for fighters who refuse to take risks, put forth one of the most cowardly displays in combat sports history as he flopped, ran, shot for illegal takedowns, and nearly hopped over the ropes to avoid the attacks of Nagashima. He did everything but fight as he drained seconds off the clock. His shameless embracement of cowardly tactics being so blatant that they drove the typically respectful Japanese crowd to shower him with boos, though ultimately they worked as Aoki survived the K1 round and successfully made it to round two, the MMA round. After immediately shooting for a double leg Aoki was meant with a Nagashima knee to the head and instantly his misery was put to an end as he lay unconscious on the mat during the round he was supposed to dominate.

   After the embarrassing in-fight display Aoki was so showered with jeers and mockery that he erased his twitter account, revealing that even online this turkey runs from fights.


  1. Aoki's miserably knob gobbleresque performance on nye is hard to beat. Matched only by Fedors epic fail against Werdum. New years represents new beginnings and I hope everyone can analyze their own failings of previous years and to represent in an impressive manner this year. I am not holding my breath for Sonnen however as he has and always will be a poor person in spirit body and mind.

  2. Speaking of new beginnings, I hope the cryptic message at Fightsport means the long awaited FS 2.0 is right around the corner

  3. good read. looking forward to seeing more from themmahaus

  4. Hank, I haven't heard anything about FS 2.0, and I wouldn't hold my breath. However I have been approached by FS regarding this possible posting alternative...
    Having drawn up some minor artistic masterpieces in the last week deserving a large audience of well over 20 people, maybe I'll post a few.